Why We Root For Birth Families

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People thinking about becoming foster parents often ask us the hardest question: “Why should we hope for children to return to the family that hurt them?”

It's a question that makes sense. Foster parents see the children's pain. They love the kids and see how they are impacted by trauma. They provide the safety and love these children desperately need. So why would anyone want them to go back?

The answer requires us to see the whole picture - not just the crisis that brought children into care, but the complex situations that led to that moment.

Children who have been abused or neglected only enter foster care when it’s not safe to remain at home and no family members or family friends can provide safe care. Child protection workers help their birth family complete the requirements for reunification while their foster family offers a safe, loving, nurturing home and helps them begin healing.

At Presbyterian Children's Homes and Services (PCHAS), we believe God wants to see families restored, so we support reunification, and we work with foster families who share this same value. We know we’re not alone in these beliefs, but shifting perspectives can be hard, especially when a person feels protective of children they are growing to love. It requires us to focus on people for who they truly are rather than defining them by only the worst thing they’ve done.

It’s easy to label someone a “bad parent” for leaving their children with an abusive boyfriend, but situations are often more complex below the surface. In our line of work, it’s common to find children harmed in situations where caregivers lack the social support they need, like a busy single mother working two jobs. Those who harm kids often try to keep it a secret, so it can be hard to identify.

Think for a moment about how hard it would be for a mom in this situation to know her children weren’t safe if she was working a ton of hours, often leaving early in the morning and returning late at night when the kids were asleep. Her boyfriend is between jobs, but he has a house, welcomed her and the children into his home, and agreed to help with the kids. He treats her well, and they don’t argue often. The kids obey him, and they don’t complain or act afraid. How would she know that he hits them and leaves marks on their bodies in places covered by their clothes? How would she know that he silences them by threatening to harm her? It could take a long time for her to sense trouble, even under her own roof. What’s happening to the kids is awful, but she’s not a “bad parent.” She’s a mother who loves her children, she’s working hard to provide for them, and she thinks she’s left them in safe care. She only wants the best for them, and she would never knowingly leave them with someone who would traumatize them through abuse and threats.

Children need adults they can rely on to keep them safe and ensure they feel loved. We never excuse abuse or neglect, but understanding the complexity of these situations can help us change our perspective and see families in crisis as not so different from ourselves. Suppose the mom in the situation we described secures a safe place for her family, ensures safe and proper supervision, and protects the children. She and her children will likely exit child protective custody, and the kids will benefit from seeing their mom’s hard work and determination to keep their family together. They’ll have a tangible reminder that she loves them and wants the best for them.

So, why do we root for birth families?

• We believe in the inherent worth and potential of moms and dads,
  
• We see how desperately children need their birth parents to be healthy and whole, and
  
• We know God has called us to root for restoration – not failure. 
  

Amanda Moore, a child protection worker, shared, “Children love their family. Even if it isn’t safe for them to return, a child’s birth family will always be a part of their story. Throughout their life, they’ll want and need to know about this important part of their identity.” Children thrive when they see the most important people in their lives working together, and respecting a child’s birth family is one of the best ways for foster and adoptive families to respect (and love) a child.

Every day, PCHAS foster families show care for birth families through small acts of kindness, mentoring, and even co-parenting. We hope you’ll take a moment to read about How We Root for Birth Families and see the variety of ways our families show compassion and love every day.

If you're interested in caring for kids and helping restore families, email fosteradopt@pchas.org or text “FOSTER” to 281-324-0544. You can also join one of our weekly Foster Care & Adoption Online Info Sessions to learn more.

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How We Root for Birth Families