How to Show Love to Adoptees

Adoption begins with loss. Before a child joins their family through adoption, they've lost their birth family, their home, and everything familiar. Even when adoption is the best path forward, that loss is real and it matters.

Adoptees carry their story with them throughout their lives. As friends, family members, teachers, coaches, and community members, we can show love to adoptees by honoring their whole story—the joy of their family and the grief of what they've lost.

Here's how to do that well:

Don't treat adoption like a secret. If you know someone is adopted, don't whisper about it or treat it as something shameful. Adoption is a normal way families are formed. When you treat it naturally, you help adoptees feel comfortable with their story.

Avoid insensitive comments. Never say things like "You're so lucky you were adopted" or "Your real parents didn't want you" or "At least you were rescued." These comments minimize loss and hurt deeply. Instead, acknowledge that adoption is complicated and involves both gain and loss.

Learn and use positive adoption language. Words matter, and adoptees take to heart the messages they hear. Use words that affirm and support, rather than harm or diminish. For example, we use phrases like, “making an adoption plan,” instead of “giving up a child.”  Take a look at this article on our website to get some ideas.

Respect their birth family. An adoptee's birth family is part of who they are. Don't speak negatively about birth families or ask intrusive questions about their history. Adoption stories are personal, and adoptees will share what they want to share.

Understand that families come in all forms. Adoptive parents are real parents. Birth parents are real parents. Both are true at the same time. Don't use phrases like "real parents" or "natural parents" when referring to birth families - this implies adoptive families aren't legitimate.

Recognize hard days. Birthdays, Mother's Day, Father's Day, and adoption anniversaries can bring up complicated feelings for adoptees. They might feel happy and sad at the same time. Give them space to experience whatever emotions come up without judgment.

Listen without fixing. If an adoptee shares their feelings about adoption with you, listen. Don't try to convince them they should feel grateful or lucky. Don't minimize their pain. Just be present and let them know their feelings are valid.

Educate yourself about adoption. Learn about trauma, attachment, identity formation, and the lifelong impact of adoption. The more you understand, the better you can support adoptees in your life without saying hurtful things unintentionally.

Support transracial and international adoptees. Adoptees who don't share their adoptive family's race or culture face additional challenges with identity and belonging. Support them by learning about their birth culture, celebrating their heritage, and standing up against racism and discrimination.

Don't ask invasive questions. Questions like "Why were you given up?" or "Do you know your real mom?" or "How much did you cost?" are inappropriate and hurtful. If an adoptee wants to share their story, they will. Otherwise, respect their privacy.

Advocate for adoptee rights. Many adoptees don't have access to their original birth certificates or medical history. Support legislation that gives adoptees access to their own records and information about their origins.

Include adoptees in the conversation. When discussions about adoption come up, center adoptee voices. They are the experts on their own experience. Listen to what adoptees say about adoption rather than only hearing from adoptive parents.

Celebrate all kinds of families. In classrooms, workplaces, and community spaces, use language and activities that honor diverse family structures. Not every child lives with their biological parents, and that's okay.

Adoptees need to know their story matters, their feelings are valid, and they belong. When you show love by honoring their experience, respecting their complexity, and supporting their journey, you help them thrive.

Want to learn more about supporting children and families? Connect with a Foster Care & Adoption Guide at fosteradopt@pchas.org or sign up for an Online Info Session at www.pchas.org/FosterAdoptEvent....