Making the Holidays Great for Everyone in the Family

The holiday season brings many opportunities to celebrate with family and friends. As we share with others about our traditions, it is common to talk about who we celebrate with and where we gather. It can be a fantastic way to share more of our personal lives with co-workers and others, and it is also interesting to hear about their families.

For families with adoptees or children in foster care, it is a good time to review ways to share that are honoring, positive and inclusive. “People mean well, but sometimes the language they use has negative connotations,” says Michelle Hoevker, Regional Director for Presbyterian Children’s Homes and Services.

For example, it may make sense to introduce a child as an “adopted child” or “foster child,” but we recommend looking at the experience through the child’s lens. We all want to belong, so we encourage families to introduce kids as just that: their kids. When a distinction is necessary, we suggest person-first language. For example, describe kids as being in foster care, not “foster kids” or “fosters,” because the experience of being in foster care does not define who they are as a person. The same goes for adoption.

When speaking about a child’s birth family and story, less is often more. Foster and adoptive families are guardians of their children and their story and should honor this responsibility in every way possible. When it is necessary, aim for positive language about birth families, describe their choice as “making a plan” rather than “giving a child up,” and keep sacred any details that may feel embarrassing for a child (now or far in the future).

Parents need to think ahead about how to address these issues, as well as how they discuss their decision to adopt or foster. People who are not familiar may ask intrusive or inappropriate questions. Your response can be an important part of their education and an excellent opportunity to honor your child if they overhear. For example, “that’s none of your business” sounds harsh and makes adoption or foster care seem secretive. Responding with, “I’d like to share more with you at a different time… let me know when you’d like to get together for coffee,” honors everyone involved and places responsibility for learning back onto the person asking. If they are genuinely curious and want to learn, they will follow up, and you will be able to discern the right amount of information to share. If not, you have helped move the conversation along and respect your child and yourself.

You would be surprised at how many people want to know more, but they do not know who to ask. And, if they say the wrong thing, they are likely open to correcting themselves if you will be gracious.

Hoevker says individuals can also make a difference by advocating for positive language in public. In 2018, the New York Times ran a headline that began, “Son, Given up for Adoption.” Hoevker posted a polite response on social media. Within minutes, the New York Times changed the wording on its website, and the article has since been titled, “Son, Placed for Adoption, Leads Birth Parents to Altar 36 Years Later.” 

People want to learn, and you can be the one to help them!

PCHAS is happy to help, too. To learn more about Foster Care & Adoption, Connect With Us at 281-324-0544 or fosteradopt@pchas.org or Join An Online Info Session.