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At PCHAS, we’re honored to work with couples and singles that choose to be family for children who need one. Seeing kids heal and grow is incredibly rewarding, but fostering can be challenging, too. So, we asked two of our single foster parents to share advice about what has helped them thrive as they do it on their own. And spoiler alert: they aren’t truly alone.
Realize It’s Possible
There’s a huge need for foster families and they come in all shapes and sizes, including single men and women. Kelley, a PCHAS foster parent, shared, “being a single mom hasn’t stopped me from giving 100% of my heart.” As a single parent, she’s been able to focus one-on-one with children. She advises, “If taking care of these kids is really in your heart, don’t let being single stop you. You can be successful as long as you’ve got the want to. These kids need people who really want to help.”
Casey, another PCHAS foster parent, was practically raised for this. “My parents took in a teen when I was a child, so I guess you can kind of say it is in my DNA,” Casey says. Children’s ministry has been part of his life ever since college, from teaching Sunday School and working as a childcare worker to interning at a boys ranch in graduate school and eventually becoming a full-time children’s pastor. “Fostering became a natural extension of the ministry I had already been doing.” Casey’s message to anyone who is single and wondering: “Don’t be afraid to jump in as a single parent! Single foster parents can often provide a unique environment for the kids.” Fostering one child at a time means “much more individual attention since there is no other family members to divide the attention,” and Casey can offer “a very calm and quiet home for the kids to heal emotionally.”
Get Informed
Learn as much as you can about the world of foster care. Gain parenting experience through babysitting, mentoring, volunteering in the youth ministry, or providing respite care. Find courses on child development, look into parenting classes, get trauma-informed training and attend foster & adoption conferences.
Not sure you’re ready to commit? Casey suggests starting as a respite provider. Respite providers are approved to provide extended childcare. “If you are unsure about it, consider becoming a respite provider, which will allow you to not only get a feel for what it is like, but also will allow you to form important relationships with other foster families who can be a great support in the future.”
Identify Resources
It’s helpful to identify resources ahead of time. “When you first get a child there’s a moment of panic and you have so much to do. If you already know who you’re going to call, then you can just focus your attention on the child,” shared Kelley. Identify providers who will accept Medicaid for children as well as other resources: doctors, dentists, daycare and after-school programs.
Casey agrees that planning ahead is key. “I am blessed to be self-employed, so my schedule is often flexible. I can usually work around appointments, changes in school schedule, etc.” For afterschool transportation and care, Casey relies on a program with a great reputation. A routine helps, too. “Establishing a strong routine is very helpful for both you and the child,” Casey says.
Build Your Support System
“One of the biggest pieces of whether or not you will be successful as a single parent is your support system,” Kelley says. It’s important to identify people you trust to run an errand or care for a child if you get sick or have an emergency. Babysitters are especially important. “Sometimes I need to step away or run errands without kids pulling on my legs,” Kelley says. Her PCHAS case manager and support groups were great to turn to when she was feeling overwhelmed or emotionally exhausted.
For Casey, the biggest support is a respite family who is also a great group of friends. “In addition to scheduled respite weekends, they frequently offer to take my kid at other times as needed – sometimes just an hour or two makes a huge difference. We have a great relationship as friends beyond just the scheduled weekends.” Casey’s PCHAS case manager is “always willing to help” as well, and church, friends and family round out the team. “Having a support system at church and among friends and family is vital.”
Ask For Help
“Even though you’re single, you can’t be alone. You have to find people around you to lean on. You have to learn how to ask for help. I was fiercely independent and wanted to do things on my own; I never wanted to burden others. It was a challenge to learn to ask for help, but I recognized I wasn’t just asking for me, I was asking for these kids,” Kelley says.
Asking for help also means knowing your limits. Casey uses regularly scheduled respite care to reset “emotionally and mentally,” and limits the number of kids in the home so it doesn’t become too overwhelming.
Know It’s Challenging, But Worth It
“Fostering is the hardest thing I’ve ever done and also the best thing I’ve ever done,” Kelley says. She joked that parenting is hard, single parenting is harder, but single foster parenting is on a whole other level. “It’s just a lot. You’re the only one, 24/7 and there’s no one to pass the baton to,” Kelley says.
With each child that has come to her home with trauma, Kelley has greeted them with love and watched them leave transformed. She strives to teach them the things they need to be happy, healthy, kind human beings. “Watching the kids grow and learn new skills warms my heart,” she says.
Casey puts the challenge plainly: “The hardest part of being a single foster parent is much the same as any single parent. There is no one to share the load. From simple transportation needs and errand running to more complex emotional needs, it falls on me.” Still, Casey says it is “certainly a challenge, but very rewarding. Be prepared to sacrifice a lot, but also be prepared to make a huge difference – often more than you ever realize.”
The rewards can last a lifetime. One of Casey’s earliest kids was reunited with his dad. “Watching his dad step up and be a true dad to his son continues to be an inspiration to me,” Casey says, and they still stay in touch. Casey also tries to find something each child has never experienced and make it happen, like a first train ride, a first trip to a water park or Six Flags, or, more recently, a first look at the mountains. And years later, the impact keeps showing up. “I recently got a call from one of my kids I had when I was a houseparent in a children’s home 25 years ago. He wanted to let me know that he and his wife were seeking a job as houseparents largely due to the impact he said I had made in his life. So, you never know the depth and lifelong impact you will have for generations to come.”
Not Everyone is Called to Foster, But Everyone is Called to Support
There are so many ways to help, and little things can actually be huge:
Kids in our community need great families to foster. Whether you’re single, married, divorced or widowed, if you have a heart for kids, we want to get to know you. Give us a call at 281-324-0544 or email fosteradopt@pchas.org to connect with a Foster Care & Adoption Guide.
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